On the Topic of Butts
by Cactus Earth
Summary: Peter happens to run into Tony on patrol. Let's just say the older hero's opinions on the spandex are made known.


**What's up pumpkins?**

 **For the sake of this one-shot, Tony doesn't know Peter's identity, doesn't want to know Peter's identity, and they have no relationship beyond superheroing together. Okay, cool.**

 **HEADS UP: Light profanity don't read if you are under the age of like, twelve. Happy reading!**

 **On with the fanfiction!**

On the Topic of Butts

Today was a bad day.

Peter had failed his Spanish quiz (Who needs another language he already spoke English fine), been late to chemistry (Two seconds late, honestly), forgot his history homework (It was on his desk), and the grocery store on his way home was closed today, so he couldn't get milk for Aunt May. So, when Tony Stark showed up on his daily patrol, it's fair to say he wasn't exactly thrilled.

"Yo, Spiderling!"

"Hey, Buckethead."

"Whatcha doing?" Peter rolled his eyes.

"I'm on patrol, Stark." He smirked, "You know, one of those things you don't do?"

"Ah, but see, Baby Longlegs, isn't that what I'm doing right now?"

"I seriously doubt it, seeing as you don't seem to prioritize New York unless aliens are coming from the sky."

"And it seems you only prefer New York without aliens coming from the sky."

"Touché, Shelly, touché."

"Well someone has to cover the big league side of things."

"Excuse me?" Peter narrowed his eyes at Stark, who casually flipped up his helmet lid.

"You know, 'With great power comes great responsibility'?" Iron Man tossed him a newspaper. "She seems happy." The front page featured Peter kneeling down next to a little girl, with his life motto emblazoned in the caption underneath. He had found her after she made a 911 call, claiming her mother had pulled a gun on her father. The child had been huddled in the apartment closet, clutching the gun to her chest, shaking in fear, safety off, parents gone.

"This isn't funny."

"Oh, I thought you spreading inspirational quotes to six-year-olds was a quite hysterical topic, Bug Eyes."

"I found her with a gun, Stark." The statement settled over the two heroes as they stared each other down.

"I didn't know."

"Yeah, well you would have if you had actually read the article," Peter snapped, throwing it back.

"I did read it," Responded Tony. "And for your information, I quote, '...six-year-old Mia Radici was rescued from her family's apartment after a distress call made by the child. Police have stated it was a domestic violence case, but no other information has been released.'"

"Well, then how did it make the front page?"

"Your quote, $1.00."

"My quote? Haha, very funny."

"You know what's funny, your freaking spandex, kid, like, buy some clothes that don't show off everything why don't you?"

"Frick off, 26."

"Ooh, I like that one, you know with the-"

"I understand the nickname I came up with, Tin Can." And just like that, they were back to the lighthearted conversation.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Tony tossed him 10 dollars before flipping his faceplate back on. "Buy yourself some sweatpants. Personally, I don't like the idea of some college kid traipsing around in something that shouldn't even be considered underwear."

"You're an ass, Tony."

"Nevermind, I say keep the spandex," Stark called at the retreating teenager. He was met with a double middle finger salute as the web-slinger changed lines.

* * *

Tony wasn't surprised to find an envelope webbed to his window the next morning, along with another newspaper.

' _I bought some sweatpants,_ ' the card read, with a sloppily drawn spider next to the words. He glanced at the Walmart receipt with the name torn off.

As he picked up the newspaper, he read the rest of the card.

' _And if we're on the topic of butts,_ ' He unfolded the newspaper to find an excerpt on himself, titles ' _The Billion Dollar Behind_ ', accompanied by several pictures of Tony purposely pointing his bottom at the camera.

"Well played, Web Head, well played," He muttered, as, on the other side of the city, Peter Parker set a carton of milk and a pair of sweatpants on his kitchen table, grinning.

 **Well, I finally wrote something, I hope you like it.**

 **Just to explain the nicknames for people who might not understand my** _ **genius:**_

 **$1.00: A reference to Peter's spandex, which you can buy for a dollar at a few mom and pop shops where I live.**

 **26: The atomic number of Iron. So, yeah. I thought it was funny.**

 **Baby Longlegs: I hope this is self-explanatory, I just wanted to put it down here too so you can see it again because I was very proud.**

 **Shelly: I dunno, I guess because the armor's like a shell, I just kind of put it in there.**

 **I also wanted to explain that I had them drop off of the subject of the girl quickly both because it was getting kind of dark and because I feel as if they already have so much sadness in their jobs that they don't want to dwell on it.**

 **And that's it. I hope you enjoyed my word vomit that probably is kind of confusing.**

 **If you follow my main Spiderman/Avengers crossover, I hope to update soon, and I'm just procrastinating because I have written 9 endings so far and** _ **none of them are how I like them and my whole storyline has gone to hell this is what happens when you write without a plot.**_


End file.
